In Case You Were Planning To Sleep Peacefully Tonight…

This lovely bit of marketing magic from Evian might possibly keep you up all night, or just give you some pretty gnarly nightmares….  Please to enjoy.

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Jeff Goldblum, Deadpan At 56

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He’s Good Enough, He’s Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Him.

The Minnesota Supreme Court has ruled former SNL writer/performer, radio pundit, and screenwriter Al Franken the winner of the 2008 campaign for a U.S. Senate seat.  Franken’s G.O.P. opponent, Norm Coleman, officially conceded earlier this afternoon.

For those of you old enough to understand, Franken allegedly used today’s opportunity to unveil his Senate office’s new motto - “Sooner or later, you’ll be Communist”. 

[Ask your Grandpa about that punchline...] 

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Let’s Spin The Neverland “Wheel.. Of.. Fortune!”

I promised you, and myself, that I’d try and stay out of the grim and acrid muck called “news”, which would follow the death of the King of Pop.  So, while skipping over sludge about vanishing wills, questionable genetic contributions, and that lovable ol’ grizzly-bear Joe Jackson, I will mention an interesting article based on some relatively factual material.

The Hollywood Reporter built the graphic above, based on material taken from a posting on Bitter Lawyer.com, which represents the fascinating universe of powerful attorneys who represented Michael Jackson throughout his adult life.

Based on the material in the original article, we will complete our “Wheel of Fortune” metaphor by proclaiming that recent breakout TV star Brian Oxman represents the “Bankrupt” spoke.

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I’m Don’t Think I’m Totally Onboard With This Idea…

Okay, ”The Nutty Professor: The Musical” is not, on the surface, a bad idea. 

Rupert Holmes (Edwin Drood, “Escape (The Pina Collada Song”) and Marvin Hamlisch (A Chorus Line, They’re Playing My Song) ?   These are not the worst guys to pick to create your book, lyrics and music.

But.. an 83-year old, often health-challenged Jerry Lewis making his stage directorial debut?  On Broadway?  Y’know, the place where open mindedness about… “orientation” or the talent of comediennes or just about anything is encouraged?? 

I just get an early whiff of some pending “creative differences”, don’t you??

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X O X O, Auto-Tune

****************************************************

Cobra Starship’s video for their new single, Good Girls Go Bad, features “Gossip Girl”s very own Leighton Meester. 

If this is any indication of what’s to come from Leighton’s own debut album later this year, T-Pain may have to buy a second auto-tune unit just to keep up. 

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“Transformers: Rise Of The Fallen” Is More Man Than You’ll Ever Be

Michael Bay makes “manly” films.  They’re aggressive, loud, full of machines that make stuff blow up, or that just blow up themselves.  His latest, “Transformers: Rise of Fallen“, is so powerfully butch that it probably caused pregnancies in the theater where I saw it screened.  It is such pure, visual testosterone that pro athletes cannot view this movie for fear of failing random drug tests.  Bay’s giant robot movie is the biggest… “male device” he’s ever set to swinging.  It has to be near three hours long so you feel more inadequate.  It’s so mas macho that it must present you with actual giant Decepticon balls just to prove the point.

But guess what, if you understand the visual language of Michael Bay - basically screaming and flash cuts - you will enjoy this movie.  Roller-coasters make you scream, rob you of cogent thought, and thrill you.  Michael Bay is the ultimate Coaster Tycoon.  His “T:ROTF” has giant robots constantly kicking the gear-boxes out of each other.  It has more actual U.S. military hardware than was used in the first Gulf War.  I mean, Bay even gets to keep an in-service Naval aircraft carrier for the whole of the movie’s last act. 

The scale of the movie is just nuts.  Big doesn’t even begin to describe the shot composition, the sets, or the size of the physical explosions and effects.  Again, with a manly running time of over two and a half hours, size is everything.  The plot is a giant buffet of recipes from every summer blockbuster ever.  With a surprising amount of cleverness - which I have to attribute to credited screenwriters Ehren Kruger (”Ring” 1 & 2) and Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman (”Star Trek”, “Transformers” 1) - the movie specifically tips its hat to “Jaws”, “X-Men”, “Star Wars”, “Independence Day” and even TV’s ”Buck Rogers”.  Structurally, exposition comes in big gulps, and one truly momentum-killing flashback in hour two, lumped together so as not to block your view of the robot carnage or the complete re-staging of key effects sequences from “Pearl Harbor”.  [Falling Decepticons this time, not Japanese munitions.]  The CGI-rendered human body count is pretty rough too, though Bay shows uncharacteristic humanity by stopping for flag-draped coffins to be off-loaded after a particularly costly battle sequence.

The overall integration of the CGI visual effects into the physical environment of the film sets an all-new standard in state of the art -

And the robots are pretty convincing, too.

It is also quite often intentionally funny, thanks to real-live comic timing from John Turturro, Julie White, Kevin Dunn and Shia LaBeouf.  Even the Marines - returning Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson specifically - plant their tongues in their cheeks and go for a level of action you just can’t take too seriously. And, again, the other-worldly creature pictured at left delivers on everything that she’s asked to bring.  Despite the best efforts of Decepticons, explosions, and enough Egyptian sand to hold back every levee in Louisiana, Megan Fox’s lipstick and eye makeup never smudge, framing her immaculate face to cinematic perfection.  Bay even gives her two scenes for the emission of human emotion this time, and Ms. Fox acquits herself very well.

Is “Transformers: ROTF” smart?  No, not really.  Is it too long?  Yes, by almost an hour, but that’s where all the actual storytelling is.  But is it fun?  Yeah, it really is.  I enjoyed this summer blockbuster to end all blockbusters much more than the original.  Plus, thanks to a whole lot of silly business, Shia’s miles better in this than he was in the hands of Steven Spielberg.

That’s something about Michael Bay’s skills that should really worry you.  Can $201 million worth of fans be wrong?

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Holy Moley! If You’ve Ever Had A Joke Made About You, Run & Hide!!

TAMPA, Fla. – Tampa police say Billy Mays, the television pitchman known for his boisterous hawking of products such as Orange Glo and OxiClean, has died. He was 50.

Authorities say Mays was pronounced dead Sunday morning after being found by his wife at home. There were no signs of a break-in, and investigators do not suspect foul play. The coroner’s office expects to have an autopsy done by Monday afternoon.

Mays’ wife, Deborah Mays, says the family doesn’t expect to make any public statements and asked for privacy.

Mays was also featured on the reality TV show “Pitchmen” on the Discovery Channel, which followed Mays and Anthony Sullivan in their marketing jobs.

Discovery Channel spokeswoman Elizabeth Hillman released a statement Sunday extending sympathy to the Mays family.

“Everyone that knows him was aware of his larger-than-life personality, generosity and warmth,” Hillman’s statement said. “Billy was a pioneer in his field and helped many people fulfill their dreams. He will be greatly missed as a loyal and compassionate friend.”  (AP)

 

It’s apparent that god, however one conceives him (her) to be, has been in a really shi**y mood this week.

I would not want to be an adult Gosselin right now.  Or, is this proof of the darkness of their contractual connections?

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